this sucks

I have decided to be miss independent. (:

things may be easier this way. I supposed i am a lil too dependent on bf for company. I am being an idiot.

I totally hate the way me and bf are communicating now. saying things that hurt each other so badly. its shit. seriously. and it's all my fault. yeah. i shld be more accepting and open. doesnt matter even if we spend less time tgt for the next few months.

seriously. i just want to cope myself in a dark room. and maybe i shld give myself a few slaps to become sober again. i didnt know disappointment and heartbreaks could be so much more hurtful than physical cuts and bruises. dumbass.

0k. i am going to be over with this sadness. soon. hopefully soon.
i need to realise.
and it takes time.

wo zhen de hen lei. and i bring it upon myself.
serve me right. i expected a lil too much out of this relationship.

:(

went to cheryth FIRST birthday today! She's really cuteeee. haha. the innocence of little babies are really precious. as we grow and learn, our minds will be corrupted by reality (to a certain extent. haha).

These few days weren't really happy ones. bf is goin to work everyday for two months. yeah.. two months only what. so what. it'll be a reallly good experience as well. good for his future. good to earn more money. basically it's a good opportunity. yupp. i really understand this. but. it doesnt mean i accept it. was really sad over it. his weekends are alrdy gone. now taking up another job. no more weekdays as well. suan le barh. just let him do whatever he wants. i couldnt care more. i dont want to bother as well. wo hen lei.

whatever. i'll survive anyway. things are changing. in ways he didnt realise. these changes are pretty scary actually. they may be small little ones. but as time passes by, it'll become really bad and serious. i dont know. i really dont know.

he said he'll acc me when he knocks off. i dont see the point. he'll be really tired. he'll be falling aslp every now and then. i cant even talk to him properly. no point coming over and rushin hm cos he got to wake up early the next day. so what if he took off days during the impt days. somehow i still feel different. nvm. maybe i am asking for too much. but all i wanted was just more time tgt. maybe it's really too much. :(

I aint a good gf. i am selfish.i am ugly. i am not understanding enough. i suck. whatever.

i've decided to let things be. I'll get use to everything. things will be fine.
by the time he's done with his new job, my sch reopens. how cool is that.

oh oh. i know. i can look for a job as well to keep myself occupied right. it's not that i didnt look for one. but the ones offered aint my cup of tea. i have been looking since may. and my hol ends in aug. now is alrdy close to mid june. sigh.. du lao shi said if i dont have the need to work, might as well just stay hm. but i wanna earn extra bucks in the meantime also eh. so contradicting. i know. thats why i say i suck. haha. so vexed. somebody tell me what to do? sigh.

can i have a pill that will stop my brain from thinking fr awhile? or maybe before i slp. so that i can slp fast and 'peacefully'.


ps: i just want to be happy again.

been so long since i last posted.

hellooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.

Been so long since i last updated. lol. this was supposed to be a project thingy. nvm. long story. hahahaha. yawns. it's 11.30pm now.. nth to do eh. done with my aunt's work alrdy. and i am still jobless! and it's like june alrdy. doubt will get any job soon. then in a blink of an eye. sch reopens! sadded. no income this looong hols. poooooooooooooooooooooooooooooor. :(

went to paint a home ytd. at tampines! volunteered since long ago. hahaha. overall was fun! but tiring. haha. that was the first time i painted. starting was like super ugly. HAHA. but subsequently, it's not that bad liao. muhaha. i can paint now! xD
Great experience. met new friends! they are all nice ppl. and one of them is from med. woohoo. the conversation made me regret. i was telling ws. how come i dint study harder last time. sigh. doctors really earn a lot huh. hahaha. of cos... we need to put in a lot of effort and sacrifices before we reap anything since it's a functioncally more impt job as most society perceived it as (i'm applying my soc knowlegde. HAHAHA.)

I love sociology. it's fun. :D

lalala. this is a super random post. cos i am really bored. and bf must be slping like a pig now cos he isnt replying to my msg. whatever la.

back to the elderly hm thing. was wondering. how can the kids bear to leave their parents/grandparents in homes like that? work. no time. nobody to take care. all of these are just excuses. it's really sad to see those elderly sitting there, staring into blank space. and ytd was a sunday. there are like a hundred elderly there. and i only saw a pair of couple visiting one of them. sigh.. a very sad sight and i was there since morning till evening. nvm.. some thoughts to ponder.

nth much happened recently. my mind has been filled with quite a lot of things. but somehow it's too much that i cant seem to figure out what's in there. haha. i have been having this "whatever" mindset recently. maybe because i dont really care much abt things ard me and there are really a lot to worry and think abt. sigh.. i dont wanna grow up. i want to go back to the time when we only fuss over which crayon colour to choose, which toys should i play today.. can i have my childhood brain and mentality again? :(

growing up kinda suck now. haha. life's like that. what to do. so many things to deal with. i guess human race brings it upon himself huh. so tiring.

sch reopening in aug. need to study hard. just took up a tuition kid. i will be as busy as a beeeeee. may not be a bad thing afterall. sometimes i just love to be busy. that's when u have smth to focus on and not let ur mind wonder too much and think abt those unnecesssary stuff (that's why i say we bring it upon ourselves most of the time). haha. aug onwards till enf of the yr will be study + tuition, study +tuition, study +tuition...

i hate to find out things that i am "not supposed" to know. and i found out one today. i am applying my "whatever'" mentality again. (:
sometimes this way works wonders. cos' i dont have to dwell on it too much. healthier too. think less. hahaha.

the mind is as complex as the society......... i think. i am having quarter-year crisis. lol! new word learnt from a new fren from work. hahaa. yawns.

ok. i shall switch off my brain now. (hopefully it works). i apologise to those readers who are reading this long and senseless post (if there are any. lol).


goodnight world.
slp is a way to run away from reality for a moment.
XOXO