R/S

Seems like none of my blog posts are of happy issues. Been thinking quite a bit lately about a lot of stuffs. I guess at this phase of life, it's a new turning point, with major decisions to be made. Searching for a perm job would be one of the priorities now. I don't really know what I want. All I know is, I just want a job that I can live with for at least a year. Then I'm satisfied already. Hopefully the second round of interview next week would be alright. It was really a miracle that am shortlisted again. I totally screwed everything up during the first round of the interview. *cross fingers*

Been together with bf for three years already. Lots of ups and downs. I have to say, he really gave in to me a lot. Like really a lot. And i am really grateful for that. Been doing quite a bit of thinking about us too. Especially when im into my next phase of life already. I lost my closest friend cos' of bf. 

None of us are perfect beings. Bf isn't, and I am definitely not one either. Sometimes, i really cant help but feel that I was his substitute in the past. Then maybe throughout this r/s, things changed for the better, he starts to fall deeply in love with me, and things got better. Afterall, he left me alone for a year plus before contacting me again- that is, after he broke up with his ex-gf. I really cant help but feel that way. Before that we were almost on the verge of getting together. But we stopped contacting each other all of a sudden. It was really sudden. At that point i was already in love with him. But because of the sudden lost of contact, things went the other way. I contd with my studies, dont wanna really get distracted cos' I was still in JC.
I did a few mistakes with other r/s that came along the way. That's when i realised that im still in love with him. But i know there's nth i can do cos' i found out from my other friends that he's with someone else already. I tried to get into r/s with really nice people, but we ended up hurting each other. I really regretted it. So Ive decided to just maintain the status quo and get on with my studies. That was the most important thing at that point in time.

After A'lvl, I managed to get into the course that I have been craving for in NUS. Once again, out of the blue, we started talking to each other again. That was when i realised that he broke up with his ex-gf. My heart skipped a beat when I heard that. haha. silly me. I am still in love with him. That explains the lil happiness in me. So we started going out on dates again. Then about a few months later, we got together. I was one of the happiest girls on earth. (:

I asked bf about the substitute thingy before during our heart to heart talk. He totally denied it and assured me that it wasnt the case. Honestly, I wasnt really convinced. haha. but i dint wanna bother too much. what matters most was that he's with me now. 

Now, I have completely no idea at all with the direction in which our r/s is heading towards. Wasnt that stable for the past few months. But I am still holding on to it, hoping that things would get better. Sometimes it did, but sometimes the tiredness just overwhelms everything. Ha. It really isnt easy to maintain a r/s, especially when we've been together for so long already. Sometimes, i really DGAF to whatever that's happening. 

In fact, I am not only tired of our r/s, but also people-to-people r/s in general. Friends? I've learned to depend on myself. At the end of the day, you will only have yourself. I've been through lots of that. Through all these shits, I realised that im never anybody's priority.Sometimes, the things that I've done are not appreciated at all.

I guess, I really need to learn and master the art of being independent from today onwards. Maybe I'll be a happier person by then.

Yr 3 Sem 2

Wow. been soooooooooooooooooooo damn long since i last blogged. alright. not that people would read it anyway. But. it's been really long since i last penned down my thoughts. haha. 

Alright. 2May 2012. marks the end of my 3 years of education in NUS. shld i contd on with honors? i really have no idea. i'm afraid that i would regret. either taking it or not. lol. regret if i were to take it; the crazy stress level. Maybe it would be the first time, hitting the headlines of the news- girl, aged 22, died of excessive stress level. hahaha. might be a turning point u knw. maybe they would reassess the edu sys. but i doubt so la huh. NS also still the same. 

sometimes i really feel that the systems are pushing us too much. we're only human. why cant they allow us to live our lives happily and comfortably. yes, we shld be working for a living blah blah blah. but the kind of values and cultures that are instilled. really bad. sometimes i dont even knw why am i working so hard and stressing myself out for nothing. meritocracy, equal opportunities. bullshit. 

now. i get the chance to get out of the edu sys. for awhile. then i'll be stepping into another system again. i really dont knw what i wanna do in life. mayb i shld contd honors? but i really dread the edu sys. sighh. somebody tell me what to do? :(

bf and i havent been on good terms lately. dont knw why. i just feel that. he doesnt bother much abt me anymore. haha. made me realised, actually i can be very independent as well. been tgt for close to three yrs. rather reliant on his presence. lately, i guess things havent been going on well. i knw im pretty possessive. i think that's the main prob. he hasnt been caring much lately either. wasnt feeling well. down with slight fever, under lots of pressure and stress, together with an exam paper the next day. He went out with his friends and enjoyed himself thoroughly. not a single msg from him to ask me if im ok blah blah.. am i asking for too much? maybe im demanding too. or mayb. im nt a good gf after all. i've too many flaws. i reckon that i asked for too much. i feel so lost. so ugly. so dumb. so. messed up. 

my life is in a mess.
and im all alone.
again.
:'(

exams ended! yay! :(

papers for yr3sem1 finally ended. one more sem and i can officially graduate. or shld i do honors? i really have no idea. sighh. shall see how things go. i really dont knw wad to do. my happiness to the end of the papers was rather short lived.

watched the apple of my eye ytd. really nice show. but it didnt make me think back bout my past la. haha. just find it a really nice show. the male lead actor is hot too. hahaha. now the song has been replaying on my playlist. nice song.

somehow. my head is filled with lots of thoughts nw. i dont knw wad to do. feels lost. but at the same time having lots of mixed feelings. i feel like sleeping away. that was wad i thought ytd night too. bt i knw its not working. my only way of escape isnt working anymore. i wake up feeling restless still. not refreshed. thoughts are still lingering in my head. even after watching RM, im still not cheered up. its just that moment. after that everything is back to sq one. shld have met sista instead and not coop myself up at home. sighh. wads going on seriously? :(

ARGH!!

neutral

stoney stoney stoney..........

baby's back tmr. (:
gonna wait fr him at the airport! haha. still cant feel the excitement yet. i think im sorta like used to it alrdy. but im sure tmr i'll feel it. hahaha

alright. i need to stop thinking and drifting abt. i need to focus. ROAR!!!

life sucks. but it goes on.

so. i'll try to be happy everyday. :)

i feel like shutting myself and stay away from everything for a moment.

ARGH!

learn smth 'new'

at the end of the day. u knw u only have urself to depend on. u are the only person u can trust.

even the ones who are soooooo close. can treat u like a substitute.

and life goes on.

ouch.

28th just passed

our 28th monthsary just passed. 25th every mth. obviously bf isnt in S'pore. we would always have a mini celebration but nt this time round.

song playing on my ipod now: Wish you were here by Avril Lavigne.

exactly how i feel nw. today's day 11. im counting down till it hits 0. feels so loooooooooong. I miss him more and more every single day. school doesnt really take my mind off him. outing with my bestest friends dont either. this is pretty bad ah. haha.

since he's overseas, the number of sms we had were pretty little. lk 3 per day? cos its pretty costly. and we only talked on the phone for lk 5min on the first day and didnt do so till nw. the cost for calls is lk double the sms cost. sigh..

always close to tears whenever i think of him and the fact that he isnt ard makes it worse. bf said that we gotta be happier as the day pass cos it means we are one day closer to meeting each other. but i dont really felt that way cos i cant wait that day to be now. i really miss his daily dosage of hugs and kisses on my forehead. how he would surprise me with my fave snacks/food. how he would hug me so tightly to slp. to sound a lil thick-skinned, i think im like his little princess. he's always getting things done for me. ha.

cant wait for 7nov to come quickly. like the next sec.

i cant focus on my work. i guess i'll just slack thru the day.



i can be tough, i can be strong. but without u, its not like that at all.

:(

been sooooooooooo long since i posted smth. ha. bf's away for 17days. army stuff again. :(

of cos i miss him like mad. sighh.. but i still have sch. and assignments to hand in. need to focus and do my best. sighh.. not easy but i'll push on. as the day pass, i must be happier cos' it means im a day closer to meeting bf again. thats wad bf said before he boarded the plane. ha. yeah. im missing him nw.

but sch's great today. had fun in sch with my friends. laughin away. its after sch. emotions came surging in. sighh. its only day 1. lol. how do i survive the other 16 days. Zzz.

this period is longer than his BMT. but i guess i'll still survive.

year three alrdy. and sem 1 is coming to an end soon. if im not doing honors, i'll graduate next yr may? if im doing honors. there's like another yr and a half to go. shall see how things go. it's really not easy. needs a lot of mental perseverance. haha.

ok. i need to do well for this term paper. cos its my fave mod of all for this sem. due next tue. gona chiong all the way. still got my french to settle. damn it. heavy heavy! ahhhh. life sucks. but i'll manage.

GOGOGO!